I’ll milk a pun till the cows come home.

I’m coming home to headline the Comedy Underground, my home club, and I think you should come down and be there.

Tickets

My beautiful and talented girlfriend, Alice Wetterlund is in a national commercial, and I did nothing to show it off. Probably because I know deep down inside I will eventually have to quit comedy and be her assistant like Selena’s dad. She just filmed another national commercial, which means she’s winning the TV competition we’re having, wait I was on 3 minutes of Last Comic Standing. Tie!

Shark Jumps! from Free Comedy! on Vimeo.

I always say that I’m going to update this, and then I remember that no one is asking me to, but I’m gonna…

The video I did above, is with the Free Comedy guys, and they’re great. I’m a robot.

I can’t grow facial hair.

I have some pretty unrealistic goals, for instance I still watch certain professional sporting events and think that it might not be too late to start training, tryout, and win something,  a-la the movie the Rookie. Not to be confused with the new Bronx rap sensation, Allah the Rookey.  I’m not even nominally good at sports, I still think I have a chance. Its the same part of my brain that says “don’t worry about your cell phone bill, maybe they forgot about you this month.” I do tell people how good I am at skiing, but that’s mainly cause they could never call my bluff. Seriously though, I’m probably the best skier in NYC at most times.

About a year ago, I made this list of goals on my wall, I’ve only  accomplished two, but that’s fine since the last two are to win an Oscar, and kill Robert Mugabe in a round of pistols. That one’s window is closing fast; watchout Mugabe heir! I would also settle for killing the entire Burmese Junta with my hands in the Octagon. I’ve been watching a lot of 30 Rock lately to get into the rhythm of writing funny dialogue for my pilot, and I’m taking quite a shining to Jack Donaghy, but that’s probably cause I’m in that phase of a successful young white males life when he transitions into fiscal conservatism and golf. In that fictitional spirit, I’ve added a new goal to the list, and its to die in the home above. It’s on Orcas Island, where I spent every summer of my youth as a summer camp counselor at YMCA Camp Orkila, minus the one I was suspended for getting a camper high.  There’s a lot more great photos of it here. Now to attain it, I just need to be much better at everything I do. Here’s to more success in 2011, and way less morbid goals.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of needing an excuse to eat peanut butter, or the dirty looks I get when I have a spoonful sans anything else, while walking down the street. That’s why I’m happy that America, and capitalism are getting on board, and making more receptacles for peanut butter so that I can get my daily intake with out it being gross or weird. The most recent good news being Snickers deciding to come to their senses,and join the peanut butter gang. That’s what I call it, the peanut butter gang, yes I’m the president, and yes, I’m working on a hand sign.

Oh yeah, and also I’m coming home for New Year’s Eve to do a couple shows. I’ll be at the Kirkland Performing Arts Center to ring in 2011, headlining the Tacoma Underground the next night, and co-headlining Laffhole at Chop Suey, with Scott Moran the night of the 5th. Come to all of them, or come to none of them. You can’t also just come to one of them.

OMG this Friday I have the pleasure of headlining the 3 Chord Comedy Show at Velvet Lounge in Northwest DC. The show is about the best thing you can do on a Friday in November, in DC, in 2010. Co-produced by the BYT crew and stacked witha slew of really funny comics. Its $5 dollar you should be forced to spend legally, but I don’t want Rand Paul and Co. protesting it. So if you’re in the DC area this Friday, please come out to this show, 7pm, it’s voluntary, but for reals, let’s rekindle our Kindles you guys.

If you guys (I only write to guys), have seen me perform in a club, college, music festival, or better than average show over the past two or three years, there’s a good chance that the reason I was even there, was because the comic above, Rory Scovel, had something to do with it. I open for Rory a lot on the road, and we’ve been friends ever since we met in DC five years ago. He really is one of the most talented comedians I’ve seen or known, and honestly I don’t really like him on a personal level, so that’s not me gushing over him, its just his act. But in all sincerity, no one I’ve seen has the ability to be so present, so inventive, and supremely fucking funny, all at once. Having said that, its been a long time coming for Rory, and so it was deservedly awesome to watch him tape his network debut Monday night for the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon show, mainly because I got to see Rosario Dawson in her green room swearing at people, but also cause he did so well. Congrats buddy!

I made two videos promoting the NFL, completely unsolicited by the NFL. Why? Because when the Tea Party starts holding their Patriotism Inquisitions we’re gonna all want to have proof that we love America. That guy in them is Travis Vogt, he and another comic, Kevin Clarke, do amazing sketch comedy and videos. They’re awesome, and their most recent awesome thing is called Adventure Buddies. I’m going to try and make more of these, hopefully the NFL buys them and then I can afford more pants. I have two pairs.